Some history: About a week ago, the day after a massive emotional breakdown, I was very happy to meet a neighbour with a little one a couple of months older than the little monster. She's also a SAHM, and is also isolated and suffering from perma-cabin fever. So we basically decided to be friends, instead of becoming friends. We exchanged numbers and agreed to go for walks together when the weather is nice.
Yesterday, I had arranged with my sister to meet at the park. She said she'd be there in about an hour, which, as she showed up a full hour late to our last get-together, I didn't worry about. I remembered some chores I had to do at the last minute, so I didn't beat her to the park. I left the house the same time that she texted to say she was on her way.
After pushing the stroller through slush, I arrived at the park about 25 mins later, in time to see her text me again. I didn't look at the text, just went over to her. My brother in law already had the truck running and one kid inside, she went to talk to him and then said we could walk to the grocery store. So I got to follow my sister around while she bought cereal and chocolate milk. What a treat! Her husband came to get her, and I pushed the little monster home.
On the way home, my new friend texted to see if I wanted to come by, but we ended up arranging to meet today, after 1. At 2:30, she texted to see when, and I said I was ready. Her baby was sleeping. Then she woke up, but needed to eat. Then she finished eating, and we were going to meet outside. It took me about 15 mins to get the little monster ready, got out there, no sign of my friend. A few minutes later, she sends "we're coming". After another 15 minutes go by before she actually exits the building (I can see it from mine). By this time, it's ten to 5, the sun is mostly down and there are storm clouds rolling in. So we (and another mum who friend invited) tromp through the snow and slush to go to a playground that our kids are too young for, stay for a bit and come home. Complete waste of time.
I'm so pissed at myself. The little monster was in such a good mood at 2:30. It was sunny and really warm, and I could have just taken him out. I didn't because I was waiting around. And by the time we finally left, I had no interest in going. I just wanted to go back inside. But I convinced myself that having a happy mummy will be better for the monster in the long run, and I thought if I could make a friend, I'd be happier. But really, I feel like shit. I feel like shit because I let two people in two days walk all over me, and didn't say anything. Because I'm so fucking desperate, that I'll put up with anything. Like high school, but worse.
I'm not ok. I'm not, and it's scary. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about it, except for Mr. Wolfman, who, because he's wonderful, tries everything to make me feel better, including unintentionally gaslighting me by trying to convince me that my only issue is sleep deprivation. Which it isn't.
I ended this here, because Mr. Wolfman came home. I'm posting it now, because I have a happier blog to write.